The Book of Norman

This sketch was inspired(?) by cults of various kinds and was for a sermon based on Colossians 2 about false teaching. Most of the places referred to are in London, so you will need to change them to make it relevant to your situation. Many cults will be recognisable here as well as a few Churches unfortunately! All this is fictional but any references to Churches or cults, living or dead (most probably) is not coincidental either.   Someone really follows trash like this.

Cast: two narrators(N1, N2), Ivan (a hapless proselyte who largely mimes his way through this)
Props: as indicated in the text

N1 This is the story of Ivan Smith. Ivan was searching for a god.
(Ivan searches)
N2 Then one day Ivan came across the Temple of Heaven Church. Some people called it a cult, but Ivan felt at home, particularly as they turned out to be very friendly indeed.
(Ivan gestures as if he is shaking hands)
N1 He soon felt that he wanted to become part of their church. Ivan thought it was wonderful.
N2 Do you want Joy?
N1 They said (Ivan nods)
N2 Peace? (Ivan nods)
N1 Eternal Life? (Ivan nods enthusiastically)
N2 Well you can't have it - eternal life has to be earned.
N1 They said (Ivan's face drops)
N2 You have to study our translation of the Bible
N1 They said (Ivan picks up a thin book looking bemused)
N2 And read the Book of Norman (Ivan picks up an enormous tome) which the founder of the cult had been given by an angel one day whilst he was waiting for a Piccadilly Line train at Caledonian Road station. The book was made out of solid gold and Norman had to sit there and translate it until a train bound for Rayners Lane came. The angel then miraculously disappeared into the driver's cab, taking the golden book with him.....
Ivan Get on with it!
N1 Oh, OK. You must attend Church every Sunday without fail
N2 They said (Ivan shrugs)
N1 And live a moral life (Ivan gives OK look)
N2 And send your children to Sunday School (Ivan nods)
N1 And you'll have to visit all these addresses by yourself with the good news about our cult (picks up phone book, looks horrified and scowls at each narrator)
N2 And he was encouraged to give
N1 The more you give the more you'll get - if you give a lot then our god will make you rich and give you eternal life. God loves a cheerful giver (Ivan shoves a wad of notes with a grimace into the basket)
N2 No listen, our god loves a CHEERFUL giver (Ivan puts in more with a false smile)
N1 When he got ill, (Ivan looks ill) he found that they had their own solution. None of your NHS for him. They had the holy towel that had been nicked out of the Jerusalem Hilton.  (narrators continue as Ivan blows his nose in the towel)
N2 That's not on the script - don't you mean that it has been attested by Norman as one of the towels used by Pontius Pilate to dry his hands.
N1 And the rest
N2 Oi!
N1 They said to Ivan
N2 If you touch that for healing it will cost you twenty quid!
(Ivan looks horrified but reluctantly puts more money in the basket)
N1 One day Ivan was on a 279 bus when someone gave him a tract. It was about eternal life. He read it and took it back to the church.
Ivan Hey! This says eternal life is free; its a gift of God! And you can be sure that you have it.
N2 Absolute rubbish!
N1 They said
N2 People who go round suggesting such things should be condemned - absolutely disgraceful - that isn't what religion is about! (Ivan gives "hey man" look)
N1 Everybody knows that you must work at getting eternal life - it's been the way of religion since the dawn of time.
N2 Everybody knows you must - Do! (points at Ivan)
N1 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N2 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N1 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N2 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N1 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N2 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
N1 DO! (points at Ivan, he flinches back)
Ivan I'm off! (starts to exit)
N1 Then you're lost (continuing to point)
N2 They said
N1 (calling after Ivan) And we're not giving your money back!

Mark Reid 2000