It's all in the family

Scene: a family home sometime before Christmas. Wife is getting a Christmas shopping list up. Husband is reading a newspaper.

W .... chocolate log, fancy candles and we need to get a turkey too (scribbles on list)... do you want fresh or frozen?
(clearly not listening) Uh?... What?
The heating is on.
No! Turkey!
That's not very nice
No do you want your turkey to be fresh or frozen.
Don't really care – after all, it's only Christmas dinner.
What do you mean only Christmas dinner. It's the dinner of the year – an unmissable family event
I'd like to give it a miss – I can't stand big family occasions
Bah, humbug you miserable old scrooge, it's just because you always lose at charades.
No I don't – I still think that my impersonation of the mad axeman was very good last year
True, it was hours before the children came out from behind the sofa, it was nice to have time to chat without without them
It's just that Christmas family occasions are...tiresome. Listening to the Queen's speech, watching the Guns of Navarone for the umpteenth time and then there's ... her.
(accusingly) Do you mean my mother?
Of course I mean your mother – miserable old woman.
What's wrong with my mother – she's always been good to you.
What, like thinking she can tell me how to live my life –(in old lady voice) why are you so fat, eat less, and isn't it time you found a proper job, buy a better car so it doesn't look that someone has opened a scrap merchants in your drive.
Oh come on!
Your mother's got a big mouth
No she hasn't
Your mother has such a big mouth that she has to soak her false teeth in a bucket
That's outrageous
And what about your sister – obnoxious woman – only ever invites us at night because her neighbours won't see us arriving because we lower the tone of the neighbourhood!
You hate my family don't you?
I wouldn't say hate – I just think they are just.. .well.. unlikeable
That's not very Christian is it?
Well, Christmas isn't very Christian either but we have to endure it.
Oh come on – it's a lovely time of year. Besides I would have thought YOU at least would understand the difference between celebrating Jesus' birth and all the rubbish that we get thrown up these days. Anyway, you'll enjoy going to Church on Christmas Day and meeting your other family – your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Urrrr. I'd really like to give that a miss too.
You miserable thing. Come on, give me two good reasons why you shouldn't go on Christmas Day.
I don't like the people, and the people don't like me.
That isn't very nice – you are supposed to love them as Jesus loved you.
That's all well and good but they are a right bunch. Go on give me one good reason why I should celebrate with them.
Well dear..... your are the PASTOR of the church!!

Mark Reid 2001