I don't believe it!


This sketch is about not believing and can be used in a number of contexts

Husband, Wife, Delivery Person

Scene: a living room where husband is reading a book and wife is looking through bank statements.

W (reading through bank statements and starts to look agitated). I don't believe it! What's this cheque for £200 here?
H What cheque?
W Drawn on the 5th of April, number 0001345. I don't remember writing a cheque for that much.
H Don't ask me. You shouldn't be disorganised.
W Don't call me disorganised - I've seen YOUR paperwork! I don't believe it! It's piled into a heap on your desk.
H It's my filing system - I bet I can find almost anything in seconds. Which is more than I can say for the draw in which you keep important papers. I just don't believe that!
W Now come on, I just don't believe I would write a cheque for this amount of money.
H I could
W Listen, Mr Sarky. Do you know where the cheque book is?
H Don't ask me. Why don't you go and look for it in your messy draw.
W I don't believe your attitude some times (storms off)
  (H goes back to reading his book)
W (enters) Here it is (flicks through and compares with statement) here it is 0001345. It's been left blank. I don't believe it! You haven't filled it in.
H What do you mean ME. You're the only one who uses the cheque book.
W I'm ringing the bank and getting to the bottom of this! (goes to phone and starts dialling)
H (pulls out plug as W looks away)
W It's gone dead! I don't believe it!
H Oh, that's a shame
W It's you - you've been spending money behind my back. Come on admit it.
H What would I be spending money behind your back for?
W Come on admit it. You've been buying stuff for that wretched computer of yours - and not telling me! We just can't afford that kind of money you know.
H But I haven't been spending money on the computer.
W I don't believe you! You're being devious. I think it's a disgrace. Do you think that money grows on trees or something - not to be wasted on your computer …
H But …….
W (continues ignoring him) You only ever think of yourself. Spending money on yourself! You never think of me. (knock at door) Tut! I don't believe it. I'll get that.
D Delivery for Mrs Smith. Please sign here.
W (signs) Thank you. (closes door) I'm not expecting a parcel
H Well open it then
W (opens it) I don't believe it (brings our jewellery case)
H It's from me - that's what I spent the £200 on.
W It's lovely but why?
H Happy anniversary - 20 years today!
W I don't believe it.
H What? This is the first year for 15 years that I've remembered our anniversary - I thought you'd be pleased.
W You twit - it's NEXT MONTH.
H Oh…. (both freeze)

© Mark Reid 2003