It's Off!

This sketch was written as a bit of fun, making the point that injustices should not be righted by underhand means.

Scene: a greasy spoon cafe. A scruffy waiter(W) with dirty pinafore. A customer(C).
C is studying the menu which is on a scruffy card.

Props: table set as in cafe with menu card, kitchen is offstage,

W What do you want?
C I'd like the mixed grill please.
W You can't
C Why not?
W The grill's not working - come back next week.
C What do you mean next week - I want some lunch now. Let me have a look at what else you have.
W stands over C in a distracting way
C Do you mind? I'm trying to think.
W Get on with it - there's not much on the menu anyway.
C I can see that. Can I have the cod and chips.
W You can't, cod's off.
C (gruff) Maybe I can have just the chips then!
W You can't
C Let me guess - they're off!
W No, I can't be bothered to peel the potatoes.
C (sarky) Have you got any Golden Labrador kebabs?
W Ha! Ha! Very, but we do a good line in cat nuggets.
C (sarkily) I'm so hungry I could eat a cat!!!!
W You can't - the cat's off
C Do you have anything you'd recommend?
W Cheese sandwiches - they're fresh - well, they were yesterday
C Get on then - give me them (W goes off)
C (to himself) This is the most rubbish cafe I've ever been in - but I'm so hungry that I don't care what I eat.
W (W returns) One cheese sandwich - that'll be a quid?
C A pound for these. You must be joking - they're stale - they've got so much mould on them that it's almost growing mushrooms.
W Don't worry, I don't charge extra for the mould. One pound please.
C (grunting and taking a coin from his pocket) There you are. (W walks off, and C eats sandwich but clearly finds it horrible)
W (Returning)...Just a minute - this isn't a pound - it's foreign.
C Well they accepted it OK in Calais, so what's wrong with it.
W (threateningly) Listen buster - one pound! Now!
C C So you want a pound? (Hands him another coin )
W (looks at coin) And this one's Irish! Do you have any money?
C Your sandwich is about as genuine as that coin.
W (Taking off his pinafore) Right, you're doing the washing up
C What!
W Unless you'd like a ride in a Police car!
C Urr - OK
W It's that way - Mavis will show you what to do
C Huh! (walks off)
W I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse? ...... Mavis - is there any of that horse left over?? (walks off)

Mark Reid 2000