It'

This sketch was written as a bit of fun, making the point that injustices should not be righted by underhand means.

Scene: a greasy spoon cafe. A scruffy waiter(W) with dirty pinafore. A customer(C).
C is studying the menu which is on a scruffy card.

Props: table set as in cafe with menu card, kitchen is offstage,

W	What do you want?
C	I'd like the mixed grill please.
W	You can't
C	Why not?
W	The grill's not working - come back next week.
C	What do you mean next week - I want some lunch now. Let me have a look at what else you have. W stands over C in a distracting way
C	Do you mind? I'm trying to think.
W	Get on with it - there's not much on the menu anyway.
C	I can see that. Can I have the cod and chips.
W	You can't, cod's off.
C	(gruff) Maybe I can have just the chips then!
W	You can't
C	Let me guess - they're off!
W	No, I can't be bothered to peel the potatoes.
C	(sarky) Have you got any Golden Labrador kebabs?
W	Ha! Ha! Very funny..........no, but we do a good line in cat nuggets.
C	(sarkily) I'm so hungry I could eat a cat!!!!
W	You can't - the cat's off
C	Do you have anything you'd recommend?
W	Cheese sandwiches - they're fresh - well, they were yesterday
C	Get on then - give me them (W goes off)
C	(to himself) This is the most rubbish cafe I've ever been in - but I'm so hungry that I don't care what I eat.
W	(W returns) One cheese sandwich - that'll be a quid?
C	A pound for these. You must be joking - they're stale - they've got so much mould on them that it's almost growing mushrooms.
W	Don't worry, I don't charge extra for the mould. One pound please.
C	(grunting and taking a coin from his pocket) There you are. (W walks off, and C eats sandwich but clearly finds it horrible)
W	(Returning)...Just a minute - this isn't a pound - it's foreign.
C	Well they accepted it OK in Calais, so what's wrong with it.
W	(threateningly) Listen buster - one pound! Now!
C	C So you want a pound? (Hands him another coin )
W	(looks at coin) And this one's Irish! Do you have any money?
C	Your sandwich is about as genuine as that coin.
W	(Taking off his pinafore) Right, you're doing the washing up
C	What!
W	Unless you'd like a ride in a Police car!
C	Urr - OK
W	It's that way - Mavis will show you what to do
C	Huh! (walks off)
W	I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse? ...... Mavis - is there any of that horse left over?? (walks off)