FAMILY AFFAIRS

This is a simple sketch about love and relationships

A Dating Agency. Dating agency owner (O) is reviewing her files and is going to meet a client (C who is looks like an old piece of mutton dressed up as lamb) who she has been having problems with...........

(FX - knock at door)

O Come in (C enters) ... Ah Frank, so glad you could come please take a seat.
C Thanks, darling (leans on the desk and gives here a red rose) .. Here, as a token of my undying love you gorgeous thing!
O (officiously) Don't try that one on me - I'm not one of your targets!
C Come on darling you're talking to Mr Irrisistable here!
O Cut out that darling rubbish, you are about the most devious and false person I have ever had on my books. In fact, I'm thinking of removing you.
C Moi? You can't do that, just think of the loss to womanhood that would occur.... besides, haven't I kept you busy?
O Yes, you've upset everyone I've set you up a date with because of your oily attitude.
C Come on darling.(slouching all over her)..that's a bit much.
O Get off...(he recoils as she pushes him). That's exactly what I mean. You just fancy yourself as ... what have you put here... the love machine.
C No, no. Leurve machine!
O Whatever. I'm fed up of the way you're all over the dates I set you up with. You've barely met them and your propositioning them? Most of then want companionship not a middle aged gigolo. If you want the sort of thing you're after then you need to go on Club 18-30 except you're old enough to be the father of most people in that age group!
C Hey, what's wrong with a bit of romance!
O Except that's not what you are after. But it's not just that, I find that you've been deceiving the Agency.
C I'd never do such a thing!
O Well explain this (pointing to his file) Mr Lifelong Batchelor. Perhaps you can therefore explain to me why I got a phone call from your wife this morning, who found the Agency's address in one of your coat pockets.
C Oh.............. So what. We have a very open relationship.
O Yeah, open to abuse by you it seems.
C No, no this isn't fair my wife is quite happy for me to be out socialising.
O Except that she thinks you were working overtime. Have you no love or care for your wife and three children?
C Look, I love my wife - she has faithfully brought up my children. But you've got to understand - I need love.
O But it isn't love is it. It's just hormones. Do you realise that she is devastated to find out that you are being unfaithful. She sounded to me as if she had been devoted to you for years, trying to come to terms that the noble breadwinner had been working extra hours to support a family. I'd say that she shows love and devotion - not your mean attitude.
C It's all right for people like you to judge - there's nothing wrong with a bit extra.
O As long as your wife doesn't find out. Go, on get out of here, you're off my books. If you've any decency, you'll try to see if you can rescue your marrage - at least I could assure her that you are the most useless proposition on my books.
C I get so fed up of judgemental people. I don't care - keep your lousy Agency.
O O Oh, by the way, as you have lied about everything else, is what your wife said true about your actual occupation?
C Oh yes, quite true - I am a Marriage Guidance Counsellor!

Mark Reid 2001