The Computer Teacher


This is a sketch that came out of the notion that many people invite Jesus into their lives but never let Him get very far, are not prepared to listen to Him and do their own thing. The rest kind of explains itself.

Computer Teacher, student

   
T (knocks on door, S answers) Good morning, I'm Mark from the Acme Computer Training Company
S Oh, it's great to see you. You're the answer to my prayers. I'm getting to the point where I'd like to throw THAT (pointing to the computer) out of the window. It's so frustrating. I just can't get the hang of it and I'm going for a job interview next week and I've got to know something about computers.
T Well in that case I'm your man, now what sort of computer is it?
S (walks over to computer and sits down) Well, (looking closely) - it says it's an AST
T I can see that. What sort of processor have you got?
S (mystified) I've got a Kenwood Chef - but what's that got to do with my computer?
T No, what I mean is what sort of microprocessor does your computer have - I mean is it an Intel? I mean something like a Pentium or a Celeron. Or do you have an Alhlon or a Cyrix?
S (impatient) I'm not interested in your technobabble about penthouses, celery or athletes - just teach me to use this computer!
T Go on then, boot it it and I'll see soon enough what you have installed.
S (starts kicking table furiously)
T No, what I meant was switch it on.
S (switches on and presses the buttons furiously) Come on! Get going you stupid tin box!
T You have plugged it in I suppose?
S (angry) I didn't invite you here to teach me obvious things like that. This stupid thing dosen't work - make it work please!
T (bends down to where computer is plugged in) Well it certainly is plugged in here. (follows cable) but it isn't plugged in at the back! (puts it in) There we are - off it goes.
S Well how am I supposed to know that? I'm not a rocket scientist!
T Just as well your're not. We wouldn't want you blowing the place up!
S Very funny. Why do they make it so that all that sphagetti is sticking out of the back anyway. It's so confusing.
T Well, it's all there so that if you never get on with computing, you can make a Bolognese out of it.
S Ha. Ha. Look clever clogs. The computer's on now. Lets start (turns to computer and starts tapping keys. T's view is obscured)
T But don't you want me to show you how the cable connects……?
S (interrupting) No, I'll work it out myself.
T So what is it you want me to teach you ?
S I need some help with Microsoft Word
T Well you seem to have got it in front of you there. Now move your mouse to there.
S Pardon me, there's no mice in my house, we've got a cat.
T Ha Ha. You know what I mean. Click on File and Open….. yes that's right and open what you want.
  (S then goes close up to the screen so T can't see)
S Yes, yes I know how to do that but how do I make fancy text? (T still trying to look at screen but S is blocking him)
T (mystified) Do you want me to help you with this - after all, that's what I've come to help you with. (attempts to look at screen) It would be an idea if I took a look.
S (covering it up) No, it's a private letter. I'll work it out for myself.
T How am I supposed to help you if you wont even let me see what you have on the screen?
S You're the teacher, you tell me.
T (now gets to see screen). No no that's all wrong. There's a much easier way of doing that let me show you.
S What's the point of asking you in if all you do is criticise me? I'm trying really hard here.
T Yes you are very trying!
S Don't be rude. I invited you here. Just remember that.
T But you've invited me to help but you won't let me help.
S And right useless you are too. Now make yourself useful and make me a cup of tea whilst I work out what's going on here..
T But I can help ……
S Nonsense, any fool can get hold of this computing stuff. I realise that now..
T But you told me a few minutes ago that you were ready to throw the computer out
S Well I was wrong I don't need you after all, you interfering busybody
T But I thought you needed it for a job interview? What job was it for anyway?
S Oh, it was for a salesperson at the local computer store
   
   

Mark Reid 2002