Cash for Kids

This is a sketch written for Mothering Sunday where we focussed on Hannah giving up Samuel in 1 Samuel chapter 1. How could any parent give up a child. When the Father gave up His only Son once .....

Mother and two children, Door to Door Salesman

Children are watching TV

M Right you lot, I'm fed up of sitting in this pigsty (C ignore M). It's disgusting. You can start right way by cleaning up your rooms.
C1 Aw Mum, I'm watching my favourite program! I'll do it later
C2 Yeah, get lost.
M Pardon. That's no way to speak to me, I'm your mother. Now get upstairs and clean your room.
C2 I hate you mummy! (Storms offstage)
M And you can get off your backside and do some clearing up too (switches off TV)
C2 Oh Mum! (Gets up and leaves)
M (shouting after them) I'm so fed up of you to that I could happily get rid of you for good (slumps in front of TV looking grumpy)
  (Knock at door)
S Good morning madam. I was passing your house and I couldn't help hearing your last comment. Permit me to introduce myself. I'm Silas Catchpole form Childtrade Limited. We offer you a complete sales, trade-in and disposal service for your child.
M You what?
S We allow you to trade in your child for a range of household products, or maybe for that cash injection that allows you to pay off your credit card debts. We even have a full range of fully reconditioned children to replace what seems to me to be the rather clapped out children you currently have.
M (shocked) I don't believe what you're saying.
S Most people don't madam. Just take a look at these children. (opens his brochure) They're well presented, fully housetrained. Our trainers have given them an extensive course in being helpful, washing up, cleaning up, use of the hoover and even mowing the lawn. They are guaranteed to be polite and obedient on all occasions - in fact we are the first firm of its type to offer a full 3 year warranty on all reconditioned children. Just bring them back if they give you lip and we'll fully retrain them at no cost to yourself.
M That's the most disgraceful thing I have ever heard. You are treating children like a commodity to be bought and sold. They're not second hand cars.
S Quite right too. You can't put alloy wheels or go faster stripes on children. Now would you like me to give your kids a quick inspection and I can then make you an offer for them.
M That's disgusting. I could never sell my children.
S But you just said you wanted to get rid of them!
M I was upset. I'm a mother, I love my children and could never give them away.
S You wouldn't be giving them away; I'd give you an unbeatable market price
M I've got a good mind to report you to the authorities
S I could arrange for them to be fully retrained and reconditioned at a reasonable fee.
M Do you not understand - what parent could give their child up for any reason?
S We do a good range of double glazing too if you really are not interested - or perhaps you would like to join the Jehovah's Witnesses - I can do bulk copies of the Watchtower at reasonable rates.
M Go way you horrible little man!
S You just can't please some people can you?

Mark Reid 2003