The Audition |
This
is a sketch about what we are qualified to be and can be used
evangelistically
The sketch takes place in an Audition for a Pantomime. A sign
says "Audition - this way". The Auditioner is seated
and looking down at a script and is scribbling on it. There is a
knock and the Actor enters.
Aud | (curtly, not looking up) Right, start singing |
Actor | High ho, high ho, its off to work we go, with a shovel and a pick and a walking stick, high ho (etc.) |
Aud | (looks up and face turns to horror and interrupts Actor)STOP! You're not suitable - NEXT! |
Actor | Just a moment - why not? |
Aud | Because you aren't - go away - NEXT! |
Actor | Why not? |
Aud | (irritated) Because you're not qualified. Now go away. NEXT! |
Actor | But I'm a RADA trained actor, I've appeared in the West End and advertisements. I even had a speaking part in Eastenders. And you're telling me I'm not qualified for a poxy pantomime? |
Aud | Yes, now go away before I get someone to throw you out. (Actor leaves) |
Aud | NEXT!......NEXT!.....They certainly aren't rushing for a part in this production.... NEXT! |
(Actor returns in disguise and knocks on the door) | |
Aud | (now looking back at script) Right, start singing |
Actor | (in a funny voice) High ho, high ho, its off to work we go, with a shovel and a pick and a walking stick, high ho (etc.) |
Aud | STOP! I know you. Your stupid disguise can't fool me. Will you just go away! |
Actor | But why am I unsuitable. |
Aud | Look at the advertisement you stupid man (hands him sheet) - now go away. |
Actor | Huh! (walks away dejectedly) |
Aud | NEXT!......NEXT! ..... All I seem to be getting today is fools .. NEXT! |
(Actor returns dressed as a dwarf) | |
Aud | Oh come on. Listen, Rory Bremner or whoever you are, you can't fool me or anyone else - you'll never get a part in my Pantomime. When I say I want seven dwarfs, I want seven dwarfs - Get it! |
Actor | I guess its back to busking at Oxford Circus then. (leaves). |
© Mark Reid 2001