The Audition

This is a sketch about what we are qualified to be and can be used evangelistically

The sketch takes place in an Audition for a Pantomime. A sign says "Audition - this way". The Auditioner is seated and looking down at a script and is scribbling on it. There is a knock and the Actor enters.

Aud (curtly, not looking up) Right, start singing
Actor High ho, high ho, its off to work we go, with a shovel and a pick and a walking stick, high ho (etc.)
Aud (looks up and face turns to horror and interrupts Actor)STOP! You're not suitable - NEXT!
Actor Just a moment - why not?
Aud Because you aren't - go away - NEXT!
Actor Why not?
Aud (irritated) Because you're not qualified. Now go away. NEXT!
Actor But I'm a RADA trained actor, I've appeared in the West End and advertisements. I even had a speaking part in Eastenders. And you're telling me I'm not qualified for a poxy pantomime?
Aud Yes, now go away before I get someone to throw you out. (Actor leaves)
Aud NEXT!......NEXT!.....They certainly aren't rushing for a part in this production.... NEXT!
  (Actor returns in disguise and knocks on the door)
Aud (now looking back at script) Right, start singing
Actor (in a funny voice) High ho, high ho, its off to work we go, with a shovel and a pick and a walking stick, high ho (etc.)
Aud STOP! I know you. Your stupid disguise can't fool me. Will you just go away!
Actor But why am I unsuitable.
Aud Look at the advertisement you stupid man (hands him sheet) - now go away.
Actor Huh! (walks away dejectedly)
Aud NEXT!......NEXT! ..... All I seem to be getting today is fools .. NEXT!
  (Actor returns dressed as a dwarf)
Aud Oh come on. Listen, Rory Bremner or whoever you are, you can't fool me or anyone else - you'll never get a part in my Pantomime. When I say I want seven dwarfs, I want seven dwarfs - Get it!
Actor I guess its back to busking at Oxford Circus then. (leaves).

Mark Reid 2001